Modesty

Every woman's battle

Bring up women's modesty in any Christian group and you are sure to start a fight. Why is this? Is it because the Bible is unclear? Is it because of rampant rebelliousness? Could it have anything to do with feminism? Could it all be just a great misunderstanding? Could it be all of these?

   I believe it is a little bit of all of these--and more. We have three basic arguments going on at one time. The first is the issue of nakedness and lust. This can be attributed to living in a sexualized culture.

   The second is usually not even discussed. This is the issue of flaunting your riches by your attire.

The heart of the issue 

The last issue, which I think is the heart of the issue, is what Paul mentions in 1 Tim 2:19. "I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold pearls or costly garments, but rather by means of good works, as befits women making a claim to godliness".

Proper clothing? He doesn't elaborate here, but assumes the reader knows what proper clothing are. He does drop some ideas to guide one who might be unsure though. "Modestly", "discreetly", "Not with braided hair and gold pearls or costly garments".

First modestly and discreetly. I think this can be defined by the proverb, "As a ring of gold in a swines snout, so is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion". We all know this when we see it. You walk up to the pig with the gold ring and tell them they are not being modest or discreet and they quickly and defensively bark out, "God knows my heart". You respond, "I can see your heart too, it is being expressed on your outside". You see, what we wear tends to reflect our heart. Not precisely and not every time, but overall, it sends a message loud and clear.

 So what message does, "Braided hair and gold pearls" send? First, we know it is obviously not specifically about braids and gold, but the idea of looking rich and flashy. Saying with your dress, "Check me out! I'm beautiful and successful!" Clearly the exact opposite of what Paul is saying to women.

   So, based on what Paul is saying, can we safely assume that he is saying that women shouldn't be drawing attention to themselves? Whatever is "proper" is whatever doesn't draw attention to you. So, is this a clothing issue or a heart issue or both? I'd say it is both and this is precisely why the fights break out.

Don't tell me what to do!

 Ideally, a born again woman will be willing to forgo her right to dress however she desires and submit to God's requirements, but when she doesn't, she will need correction. This is where it gets ugly. Who can give correction and is it subjective? It is definitely subjective and should be handled with care.

   Depending who the woman is will require who should give correction. A daughter should be corrected by her father and mother. A wife should be corrected by her husband. A single adult woman should be corrected by her elders. Now, before you jump all over me, these are not the only people who can and should correct, but they are the authorities below Jesus.

  Women should have other women in their lives who will correct them on these issues as a need arises. If these appropriate relationships exist, things can usually be cut off before they become a problem. Unfortunately, this subject has been so neglected that we have a widespread problem within the church.

Let the journey begin

   Let me tell you how many years it took my wife and I to figure this thing out. When we were new believers and we had just recently met, I remarked to her that all the men in the church have long pants and sleeves on, but all the women are half naked. Are the women more hot? I know some would say yes, but this is hardly the case. She took notice but just made some exuses and didn't want to talk much about it.

  Shortly later she wrote me a note in which she wrote, "Get over the skin factor, it'll be winter soon, besides Jesus would understand because it's hot"! And, "Next time you go to Afghanistan, bring me back a sheet to wear". You can see I had an uphill battle. I was patient--very patient.

  In due time we had a few fights here and there because I would push a little more. After about two years of marriage, and her attempting to dress and act more modestly, she asked me, "If you had your choice, what would you like me to wear"? I said I like skirts and dresses all the time. Now, I didn't say this because this IS the way to be modest and discreet, but it is A way to dress modest and discreet.

Make up your mind already!

   For the next year or five we struggled through the "that is a dress, but it is too sexy" issue. A few fights ensued. I was learning too. I'd say yes to a dress, then six months later realize it is quite sexy and revealing and change my mind. Let's just say she was not always pleased.

   Around this time our daughters were getting to an age where they needed guidance. First off, you can't rely on grandparents for clothing. Even if you tell them you want nothing but skirts and dresses, you will end up with all the little girl porno outfits from Walmart because they "are cute".

Thanks grandma

   So while my wife and I were still getting a handle on this thing, we added in the grandma wars. I just had to put my foot down. Dad says so and that's it. I don't have to explain to grandma.

  A wise man told me, "If you don't want your teenage daughter wearing it, then don't put your five year old in it". When the clothes you approve today are suddenly not approved because your little girl is blossoming--a war will ensue.

  After about ten years, my wife and I were finally on the same page. She is very modest and discreet in her heart--this was never the issue. How best to reflect it was where the struggle was. We are still teaching our daughters. We have them study other people to see the message their clothing speaks. What message do we want to deliver? Modest and discreet or a beautiful woman who lacks discretion? The choice is yours--only let it be dictated by Christ and not the culture.