It's a power play
When you think of someone being bitter or stubborn, do you think of them as trying to attain power over others? Do you think of it as a power play or a selfish act? Or both? It is both, but I want to focus here on the power play.
Life is all about power and submission.
Who's the boss?
While we Americans like to act as if we are totally free from other's power, it's not true. Everybody at all times is under the authority of God. Almost everybody who has ever lived is under the authority of another person. These are facts that we can't refute, but we will fight against them none the less.
Think of wealthy people. It's easy to see how wealthy people can wield power over the poor, but do you know that the poor can wield power over the wealthy? When a poor man steals something from a wealthy person and asks for a ransom, they are wielding power over the wealthy one. That's seems pretty obvious, but you might ask, "How is a bitter person making a power play"? Here's how.
What about Bob?
When Bob says or does something that hurts Billy, Billy has a choice to make. Billy can ask Bob to apologize, and if he does, then Billy can forgive him. If Bob apologizes, but Billy chooses not to forgive him, then Billy is harboring bitterness.
We've all been in Billy's place and we've all been in Bob's place, but how is this a power play?
When in doubt--always blame Billy
Well, what Billy is attempting to do is to make Bob suffer for his sin. If Billy can get Bob to keep apologizing, then he has obtained power over Bob. Bob will, from Billy's perspective, be frozen in a state of stress and confusion while Billy holds the power over him.
If Billy senses that Bob is trying to forget the incident, he will remind Bob and draw him back in. Bob, feeling the weight of his sin and guilt, will labor to beg for forgiveness, but if Billy says no, then Billy holds all power over their relationship.
Don't take the bait!
If Bob refuses to give power to Billy, then he can simply ignore him. At this point, Billy will sulk and act hurt as an attempt to draw Bob back in.
This power play can go back and forth for days, or weeks, or years, to lifetimes! I have personally seen family members who have lived their entire lives attempting to maintain power over another. When bitterness is allowed to go on it will hurt both people who choose to play the game, but most certainly the one who will not forgive.
How low can you go?
Enter stubbornness. How low can you go? Stubbornness is a tool used to gain power when you have no other options. When a battle is raging and the enemy force comes hard upon you, you might be forced to retreat into a protected area. If you can barricade yourself in a protected area, you can survive for great lengths of time. It becomes a waiting game.
Whoever is more stubborn will win. This is the same technique used by people in their relationships. When you have no power to make change, you pull back and hunker down. Refusing to make any progress toward reconciliation, you begin to wield power over those who seek reconciliation with you.
Don't be this guy!
When Victor Frankl was held in a concentration camp by the Natzis, he discovered that you can maintain some power over your captors by refusing to let them affect you. No matter what they do to you, they can't take away your pride--unless you let them. This is a power play.
God calls it being stiffnecked.
Remember King Kong--he took the bait
The goal of the stiffnecker is to draw their enemy into their camp. If they can draw you into their territory, they have you. If you refuse to enter into their camp or to play their games, they lose all power and hurt nobody but themselves.
So easy a child can do it
Let's say you have a child who refuses to eat unless they get what their sibling has. You, the parent, tell them that it is their choice. They may either eat what they have or starve. If they stiffen their neck and you "enter their territory" by giving in and fixing their meal, they win. They used their power to control you. If on the other hand, you ignore their stiffnecked plea, they will either have to give in and eat what they have, or go without. They have lost all power over you.
Not all experience is a good thing
If children aren't taught to resist the sinful desires of stubbornness and bitterness at an early age, they will be haunted by them all their lives. I say this from experience. Only through Christ have I been able to break free from these chains. I was modeled bitterness and stubbornness from an early age; I wielded these sinful weapons for many years--even to this day I can easily slide right into them if not watched carefully.
Forgiveness and love
How about you? Your friend says something hurtful--what do you do? Do you talk through it and work towards reconciliation or do you pull back and sulk in an attempt to draw them into your trap? Don't lay traps. Don't walk into traps. Christ has called us to forgiveness and love. We can do better. Who might you need to forgive today?
Call them.
When I say bitterness, do you immediately think of someone? Don't live like that. It will eat you up.
Repent.
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